Riff and Raff
by Dukes126plus
Summary: Bo wonders where he gets off complaining about bad puns. From Cale Yarborough Comes to Hazzard. Second vignette in Chapter 2.
1. Riff and Raff

_Cale Yarborough Comes to Hazzard_ was a sort of a typical lates seasons Dukes. All about being good to orphans and bigger, faster, more-better chases (with models). Ugh. So this one started out as a drabble. It got rewritten later, so there's a bonus vignette in chapter two.

This part came from Rosco informing Cale that he was cohorting with "Riff and Raff."

* * *

"Riff," Luke calls. Bo wonders where he gets off complaining about bad puns. Rosco informed Cale Yarborough that he'd been caught with Riff and Raff. For some reason serious Luke has taken a liking to the names. "You still hurting?"

They jumped a building and a helicopter today, but wouldn't you know, it was the gully that did him in. Whiplash.

"Yeah," he admits.

Luke slides out of his own bed, across to Bo's. Backrub, makes him moan. Luke's rolls him, rubs his chest too, leaning right over him. Another moan; Luke smiles. His hand has found a sensitive spot.


	2. Tighter Spots

When I finally watched the episode all the way through (I think I had never done so before) I found some cute parts. Like the boys bickering over whether they've been in tighter spots than this before. But it was still overshadowed by the bizarre stunts. So this wound up being kind of a mix of both of those worlds.

* * *

Somewhere around the time that Rosco fells the second of Shorty's two oil wells, it all makes sense. Years of clandestinely tormenting Luke through achingly bad puns and embarrassingly silly jokes have been a waste of time. It's not him that's had Luke annoyed for the last two years, and no amount of ridiculous mugging is going to bring his cousin back out of it. It's as simple as the warehouse they just jumped over, the oil pumping through Georgia, the military maneuvers they've narrowly avoided. Hazzard is annoying the heck out of Luke.

Which is interesting, actually. It's almost as though the county has been trying to accommodate his cousin's low threshold for boredom. Luke left it behind a couple of times, and like any jilted lover that wants her man back, Hazzard has changed her hairstyle. Used to be a natural brown frizz, a bit out of control, mousey and flyaway all at once. Now it's a synthetic blonde permanent, about as normal looking as a Doberman dressed in a skirt. Funny, Bo doesn't remember their house getting caught in a twister and flying over the rainbow, can't think of a single time he climbed into the sky on a magic beanstalk. But his hometown has grown as realistic as those fairytales he used to beg Luke to read him (but half the fun back then was seeing how Luke would mangle them, turning the goose that laid the golden egg into a pig that made a smelly— well they were boys) all in an effort to court Luke into staying, maybe.

Interesting to realize that his biggest competition in wooing his cousin is the town they grew up in. And like a fool, Bo's been competing on the same futile terms. Cranking his humor, actions, just generally his volume, up every day. No wonder Luke's so surly, he's got harassments barking at him from both sides, in stereo.

Bo would like to quiet this here cacophony down, now that he can hear it. But there'll be none of that. Somehow, in the hours before this moment of clarity, the county has gotten the upper hand. Cale Yarborough, who was merely meant to send an autographed photo to a sick little boy, has showed up in town, gotten mugged, lost his car to gun waving bank robbers, grabbed their stolen loot, and then and only then has he seen fit to meet up with Bo and Luke. And conveniently, Rosco Coltrane.

Which is how they came to be on the run, chased by Rosco (and now Boss Hogg, too), jumping over helicopters and warehouses and watching police cruisers smash through oil rigs. Without getting anything more than dirty.

He can't turn down the volume, not now. They have to clear themselves and their unexpected guest of a NASCAR-legend first. So they're off to the steam plant, in pursuit of those same gun-waving bad guys who made off with Cale's car.

It's habit, must be, or maybe Hazzard's throwing obstacles into Bo's way. Can't say which is the cause, but the result is a jarring bang of a tool cart tipping over, giving the bank robbers warning that the Duke boys are on their way. Could just be that he wants to get tied up with Luke one last time before he tries to bring a halt to the stupidity that's been chasing them around since… he doesn't have time to remember when, because Cale Yarborough shows up again, as if he's been summoned by fate. Scrawny guy that he is, he tries to take on bank-robbing Eddie and Elmo, but it's only a matter of time before he's tied up beside the Dukes. An unwanted ménage-a-trois.

"We've been in tighter spots than this," he consoles Cale and maybe himself. Luke, well he's beyond consolation, has moved on to full-blown sarcastic. And sweaty, wiggling around and trying to get loose as steam escapes at them.

"That safety valve's gonna go and all that steam building up is gonna blow higher than Boss Hogg's stomach." That's Eddie, bank robber the first, and his best effort at sounding like a bad actor in a B-grade western. Luke's still wrestling with the ropes, but Bo reckons it's not so much to get free and escape the steam as it is to punch Eddie's lights out.

"So if they find them, it'll look like an accident," Elmo, bank robber the second, echoes. He's about as talented as his cohort when it comes to tough-guy skills. "Nice." Fortunately for everyone, they exit the scene.

Luke's free in seconds, rope still ringing his wrists, but no longer hooked up to the ancient steam machine-thing that's screaming bloody murder now. Red light's flashing and—

Luke's got him untied. Because for all their lives, even when the other guy that's in trouble is a world famous NASCAR driver, even when Luke's been pushed beyond surly to downright nasty, Bo is still number one. Makes him want to—Well whatever he wants to do, for now he's stuck watching Luke untie Cale. His cousin might have told him to run, but he's not going anywhere until Luke's away from that red light that means business.

It's almost enough to make a man giggle, the way the steam blows just seconds after they get clear, fiery blast that both him and Luke immediately forget about. No need to fight the fire or even call the fire department. After all, it's only Hazzard jumping through whatever scorching hoops it needs to in order to keep Luke from getting bored. The fire will burn out, even if the ground it's consuming is dry and brittle.

Besides, they've got mortar fire to drive through, a tank to jump, the Amazon Archery club to disrupt and then there's gunfire to get out of the car into. Five is six (or something like that) shots later and Bo wants to charge Eddie and Elmo, who they've caught up with, but Luke holds him back until six is really six. Which was silly, really. Hazzard knows better than to court Luke's interest by getting Bo killed.

And in the end, bad guys go to jail, the good little boy gets Cale Yarborough's autograph, and Bo gets Luke alone and cornered in the barn. Annoyed look in those rolling blue eyes and Bo couldn't care less, because he knows it's not him that has caused it. For two years he's worried that Luke's been reading his mind and not liking what he sees there. Now he knows that all his cousin wants is for Bo and Hazzard to quit competing for his attention, to both quit acting like idiots.

Bo steps right up into Luke's face and stakes his claim. His cousin smiles like no one has seen him do in years. They've got no idea whether Hazzard's going to behave herself tomorrow, or step the game up a notch (no way to do that without an alien space ship, Bo suspects), but it doesn't matter. Luke's grabbing him by the hand and pointing up into the hayloft.


End file.
